For people with God on their side, monotheists are a touchy lot....In Exodus, Moses gets the tribe of Levi to go with "sword at side" and massacre 3000 calf-worshippers.  And we're supposed to celebrate such a violation of the freedom of worship?...Why are they so touchy?  The problem is partly that all monotheisms are, by their nature, anti-pluralistic.  They've got the one true God and the very latest version of His thoughts.  It is asking a lot of monotheisms to coexist with other faiths and views.  Paganism, on the other hand, is much better suited to modern ideas of tolerance and human rights.  Under polytheism, you can choose your own god overtly.

David Aaronotovitch  from The Quotable Atheist

Especially for the Ladies !        PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!      I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.) I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because . I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous I don't pull weeds in the garden because .. I don't want to get in the Goddess's way,  She  is an excellent designer! I don't put things away because . My husband will never be able to find them again.    I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because . I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.     I don't iron because ...     I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! REMEMBER . . . .

 

Ok, I'm a huge George Carlin fan.  My SIL sent this to me and I had to share!  Enjoy!

 

 

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007

New Rule:

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain...Lobster?

New Rule:

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up Is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands!

New Rule:

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

 

 

Sick, but funny!

ANOTHER HAPPY CUSTOMER!!!

Dear Tide,
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used Tide
all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about
how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One
thing led to another, and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on
my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid
Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all
of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse
were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no
longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great
product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

 

                 Guts and Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife at the door, with a broom in her hand, and having the guts
to ask her: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the
butt and saying, "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately
result in death.

 

Friday Blessings!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his
house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas,
playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all
around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was
the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had
been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In
the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled
on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass
lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back
door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or
that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the
bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."